Happy Monday - except for Goldfish

A ten year old piece of news but it may have escaped your notice...

LONDON (Reuters) - June 15, 2001 7:24 am EST - Firefighters on Friday blamed a goldfish bowl for sending 26 people to hospital in Britain. They believe the bowl may have acted as a magnifying glass which concentrated the sun's rays and set light to a garden shed containing a rat-catcher's potentially noxious chemicals. The sun's rays are believed to have entered one shed where the goldfish were kept and then passed through to another where chemicals were stored. The tablets of aluminium phosphide gave off fumes when firemen tried to dampen them down and 18 firefighters, four paramedics and four neighbors were taken to an Oxford hospital suffering from vomiting, nausea and burning chest sensations. Assistant chief fire officer Lawrie Booth told Friday's Times: "It is an extremely unusual cause of fire — a million-to-one chance." Sadly, the goldfish did not survive the conflagration.

Happy Monday - With apologies

With apologies to those who are visually challenged I couldn't resist blogging about Windows helpful page for those with eyesight difficulties....

If you are blind tick this tiny box. Duh!!

Happy Monday - My earliest memories

My earliest memories are from about the age of four or five.

Makes you wonder!

Happy Monday - 99.9%

If we got it right 99.9% of the time:-

For three quarters of an hour per month we would be supplied with unsafe water.
Twenty four landings at Chicago airport would crash each year.
The gas and electricity would be cut off for three quarters of an hour a month.
Every hour the US mail would lose 16,000 items.
Banks would misapply 26,000 deposits every hour.

I guess 99.9% ain’t quite good enough.

(Having just re-read this I'm not so sure it qualifies for Happy Monday...  May do anothwr one later... )

Happy Monday - From Aunty Agnes's notebook

Happy Monday - Ten Things Which Lurk

Ten things which lurk...
...beneath the kitchen sink:-

Enough half-used tins of polish to shine the boots of an entire regiment

Old knickers and T-shirts which will make "marvelous dusters"

Half a dozen tiles left over from tiling the kitchen walls

A roll of bin liners which didn't fit

Empty coffee and pickle jars which will "come in useful one day" but never do

A solidified box of Polyfilla

A giant stash of supermarket carrier bags

A cracked saucer and two old Brillo pads

A bottle of stain remover (used once)

A grey dishcloth with more holes than cloth

From Journolists - Mail on Sunday - 4th Aug 1991

Happy Monday - The Memory Man

A scouser (for my friends abroad that is someone from Liverpool!) is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Liverpool tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

Happy Monday - And then the fight started...

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

*****************************************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

*****************************************************************

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

*****************************************************************

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

*****************************************************************

Happy Monday - Who is your role model?

FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL.

DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET. DO THE SIMPLE MATHS BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO

It's CRAZY how accurate this is!

No peeking!










1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down




With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:


1. Einstein


2. Oprah Winfrey


3. Gordon Brown


4. Roger Federer


5. Bill Gates


6. Gandhi


7. Mother Teresa


8. Prince William


9. Scriptor Senex


10. John F. Kennedy

I know, I know....I just have that effect on people.
One day, you too can be like me...
P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!

I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

Happy Monday - Oops!

Some printing errors in the Bible:-

The Place-makers' Bible of 1562 was the second edition of the Geneva Bible and thanks to a printer's error Matthew 5:9 reads "Blessed are the placemakers: for they shall be called the children of God"; it should read "peacemakers".

The Wicked Bible, The Adulterous Bible or The Sinner's Bible of 1631 by Barker and Lucas ommitted an important "not" from Exodus 20:14, making the seventh commandment read "Thou shalt commit adultery." The printers were fined £300 by Charles 1st who immediately recalled the thousand copies that had been printed. Only 11 copies escaped and are known to exist today.

The Sin On Bible of 1716 contained another wonderful printer's error in John 8:11 which read "Go and sin on more" rather than "Go and sin no more".

The Fools Bible of 1763 had an error in Psalm 14:1 which read "the fool hath said in his heart there is a God", rather than "...there is no God". The printers were fined three thousand pounds and all copies ordered destroyed.

Happy Monday - Time for that old person's home?

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"